Sakaash,
My experience is limited to being part of a local branch of the BKs in the UK and my only dealings with the senior Sisters were at various events. I never got as far as the inner circle to deal with them directly.
However I did get to the point where I was regularly taking out large sums of money from my account to give my local branch members as an act of gratitude for the attention they appeared to be giving me (I assumed the money would go towards food for them and maybe heating). I only found out later that my money was being sent to 'head office' to fund stuff I did not even know about. Each time I gave more I was just told 'Baba is grateful for your gift.'
Over time it was not just my money they wanted. They wanted my life too, exclusively to serve with them. Quite frankly taking my money was the least of it. At the time I felt really guilty about feeling that no matter what I gave, it was never ever enough. Where do you go with that? What can you give them? YOur blood? Your soul? - even then it would still not be enough.
Other people here are far more informed than me and have far more experience than I do and they have shared with you their thoughts here. All I can say Sakaash is that in your heart you know what is right and you know what is not right. You know what is truth and you know what feels slightly false. No matter what you are told or the pressure you are under, in your heart you already know what you must do. It might take years or it might take weeks but you are already processing stuff in your mind and I think you must trust your own feelings, trust your instincts and your intuition. Don't be afraid. My own advice would be to just keep coming back to this forum and put any feelings of guilt or a sense that you 'should not be mixing with the wrong crowd' out of your mind for now and just hang in there with Sakaash and really listen to what Sakaash is making of all this.
All the best mate,
Sarah
My experience is limited to being part of a local branch of the BKs in the UK and my only dealings with the senior Sisters were at various events. I never got as far as the inner circle to deal with them directly.
However I did get to the point where I was regularly taking out large sums of money from my account to give my local branch members as an act of gratitude for the attention they appeared to be giving me (I assumed the money would go towards food for them and maybe heating). I only found out later that my money was being sent to 'head office' to fund stuff I did not even know about. Each time I gave more I was just told 'Baba is grateful for your gift.'
Over time it was not just my money they wanted. They wanted my life too, exclusively to serve with them. Quite frankly taking my money was the least of it. At the time I felt really guilty about feeling that no matter what I gave, it was never ever enough. Where do you go with that? What can you give them? YOur blood? Your soul? - even then it would still not be enough.
Other people here are far more informed than me and have far more experience than I do and they have shared with you their thoughts here. All I can say Sakaash is that in your heart you know what is right and you know what is not right. You know what is truth and you know what feels slightly false. No matter what you are told or the pressure you are under, in your heart you already know what you must do. It might take years or it might take weeks but you are already processing stuff in your mind and I think you must trust your own feelings, trust your instincts and your intuition. Don't be afraid. My own advice would be to just keep coming back to this forum and put any feelings of guilt or a sense that you 'should not be mixing with the wrong crowd' out of your mind for now and just hang in there with Sakaash and really listen to what Sakaash is making of all this.
All the best mate,
Sarah