Tanya wrote:When I decided to kinda 'quit', a strange feeling of guilt started creeping in because of some things that they had badly filled up my mind with, like - "There were many 'children' who came & Baba gave them so much love, care, the best of amenities, nurtured them so well and still they left Baba ! So Baba also doesn't remember those children at all & they have no place in His heart ..."
So, basically, if you try to question the activities of the Centre or try to quit, they make you feel like a 'Loser'.
I hope you have not been on too long and the sub-conscious conditioning has not become too deep. Many for whom it has have spent years pre-varicating - stuck in the middle of staying unhappily or leaving - and unpicking it.
What made you start to doubt them ... what did you see around the centre that seemed "ungodly" or not very divine?
I remember the first time, after a 100% record, that I decide not to go to morning class. I got a letter from the center-in-charge telling me how I would "cry tears of blood" and "grind my teeth like the sound of mustard seeds being ground" come Destruction. At that time "Destruction" ...
now they call it "Transformation" ... was going to be in 1986.
It was the very stuff like ... "
God doesn't remember those children at all & they have no place in His heart" ... that made me start to doubt I was really dealing with any kind of god. It was clearly just Lekhraj Kirpalani, and whoever re-writes and revises the Murlis emotionally manipulating naive and gullible individuals. Do they really believe any "God" would speak and work like that?
I think even dedicated BKs realise it's not but believe it is acceptable ... projecting their own image, and mutable morals or ethics, onto god.
How many tricky cultures create tricky gods in their image? In Hinduism, with Krishna you have a perfect example ... and who is it the BKs believe Lekhraj Kirpalani is ...
but the Krishna. It's an archetype, deeply embedded into Hinduism that works on individuals without them even knowing it.
When I was a BK, I suspected that a large part of the Murlis were just Lekhraj Kirpalani ... but the center-in-charge denied it. They told us we should consider all of the Murli as if it was God speaking to us. It was only many years later; when I discovered that for the first 20 years or so there was no god in their religion, no God Shiva at all, and they worshipped Lekhraj Kirpalani as their god, that it started to make sense. It was just Lekhraj Kirpalani sitting with his 70 or so uneducated, unexperienced gopis (female lovers) ... mentally and emotionally manipulating the simple souls that they were. Individuals who had basically never seen the outside world. (They had gone from the closeted existence of their families, to the even more closet world of Om Mandli).
I also remember the first days of when I decided that I was absolutely free of it all ...
it took me some months to disentangle myself physically, getting out of the communal housing etc ... it felt like being reborn again, becoming one and myself again, and being able to see and explore the world afresh.
I felt really free, however, I did also feel very 'on my own' at the time ... because, of course, to defy their god and priesthood is also to lose all the nice, if a little superficial and conditional, friendships one has traded in one's old friend and family for. To be able to ditch all the convoluted and codified language, and not have to conform to their norms, was such a relief.
I don't know if you want to say how long and how deeply you were "in" for, but depending on how long, it can take some readjusting. I think the sub-conscious mental conditioning that has been done is deeper than people realise. It can entirely re-write one's basic foundations, and the effects of it come and go. For some there is a coming down after leaving, as in the end of any relationship, others face period of deep regrets and depressing for all the time they lost and how stupid they had been.
It's best to avoid those dazed, floating, trance-like states you are encourage to drift of into, and remove anything that reminds you of them, I think. Best to get involved in life again and do whatever it is that you enjoy, makes you feel alive, grow, feel strong, or at least does some good for others.
Also give up that sense of total responsibility for the world, the End of the World and all of the other "God inspire mission" the BKs fuel themselves thinking about. We are all just little ants in this world ... try just being a good, happy, helpful wise one without the immense vanity of having to believe oneself to be one of the top 108 souls in the world and a would be Golden Aged Emperor!!!
Life goes on. Things go up and down but are generally getting better for most people. There are wonderful things happening. Try and be part of it. Don't worry about stuff that is *way* beyond your own influence.
Well done, you've seen through the game of religion and gurudom, and will be immune to the attractions of them for the rest of your life!