This may be old news to the more seasoned forumites here, but it piqued my interest recently and I wanted to write it out.
While I was exploring the role of toxic shame in my own journey into the BKs, I started to notice the many parallels between how a shame-bound person operates and how the BKs as an organisation operate. A quick Google brought up some very interesting articles about shame-based religious groups.
Summarising from one by T Boschen, here are the 8 operating principals of such a group:
It sounds like a neat summary of how the BKs operate to me. How an individual becomes shame-bound can easily be traced back to some form of abuse in early life, and is familiar territory to me. How an organisation like the BKs becomes that would be speculation at this point and I don't know how useful that is.
What seems pertinent is whether this sheds any light on how to communicate with them in order to effect change. Using the parallel of the shame-bound individual again, these things I know: genuine concern and offers of help are pushed away; requests for heart to heart communication are not understood; blame activates their impenetrable defences; shame sends them into their refuge of "spiritual perfection." Shame-bound individuals are frustratingly unreachable, and so it seems are the BKs.
I wish I had some answers. Terry has said a number of times that the BKs have to want to change and that the change has to come from within. From an individual perspective, I know that to be true, but I cannot say that persistent pressure from the outside doesn't play its part too.
While I was exploring the role of toxic shame in my own journey into the BKs, I started to notice the many parallels between how a shame-bound person operates and how the BKs as an organisation operate. A quick Google brought up some very interesting articles about shame-based religious groups.
Summarising from one by T Boschen, here are the 8 operating principals of such a group:
- 1. Control - Always give the impression of being in control of one's life.
2. Perfectionism - One must always be right, do the right thing, follow the rules, and strive for spiritual perfectionism.
3. Blame others - to maintain the illusion of control.
4. Denial - deny all negative and vulnerable feelings and remain task-focused.
5. Unreliability - don't expect them to be consistent or reliable
6. Incompleteness - resolving personal, emotional, or church conflicts is not important.
7. Do not talk - never discuss the negatives in order to foster the illusion of self-control and power.
8. Disguise - hide the shame at all costs. The appearance of control and power is maintained at the expense of the victims.
T Boschen wrote:"Grace, the unconditional love of others as God loves us, is not the operative ethic. Preserving one's personal goodness is. Close relationships with fellow Christians is subordinated to preserving the appearance of goodness...."
It sounds like a neat summary of how the BKs operate to me. How an individual becomes shame-bound can easily be traced back to some form of abuse in early life, and is familiar territory to me. How an organisation like the BKs becomes that would be speculation at this point and I don't know how useful that is.
What seems pertinent is whether this sheds any light on how to communicate with them in order to effect change. Using the parallel of the shame-bound individual again, these things I know: genuine concern and offers of help are pushed away; requests for heart to heart communication are not understood; blame activates their impenetrable defences; shame sends them into their refuge of "spiritual perfection." Shame-bound individuals are frustratingly unreachable, and so it seems are the BKs.
I wish I had some answers. Terry has said a number of times that the BKs have to want to change and that the change has to come from within. From an individual perspective, I know that to be true, but I cannot say that persistent pressure from the outside doesn't play its part too.