Dear Enlightened and Mr Green,
For me one of the most fulfilling periods of my life after BKs was re-establishing good relationships with my family; especially my parents before they died - my mum only 6 months ago.
It was not any single moment or episode. I let time be the healer, i.e. I just spent more time with them, did things with them. When the time felt right, I thanked them for things, raising me and caring for me and my siblings, having deep and meaningful conversations with them s well as casual small talk about food or weather etc, asking their advice or opinion - even for things I did not really need advice on, asking about their life experiences.... They can do the talking, you just need to be interested.
That is, its about them as much as it is about you.
Although the words are far less important than being with them, they do appreciate any such words, and they can only come out when the relationship, their company, their being and their experiences are validated. They are NOT the enemy. When they are gone its too late, when you can say and do the things that matter and not shy away, you feel better/grateful/glad that you did almost immediately.
The specific words "I love you" are not as important, because familial love is different, and actions speak louder. Doing things for them, spending time, watching one of their favourite TV shows with them, find out about them, their interests their values and struggles, successes and failures, loves and childhood dreams etc ...holding their hand or hugging.... eating together.
Not all parents are great people, but they are people and each person has a story. And if, because they are difficult or not ready, you cannot do that with them yet, then other family members - uncles and aunts, cousins... and don't forget old friends.
Most people value the fact that others have regard for them. Give to get.
This is one way you overcome the deforming patterns left by the BK experience. Like most "emotional" things, once done it feels like it was easier than you thought it would be, and it really shifts the foundations.