An interesting aspect is I have spoken to 2 doctors, one a highly regarded specialist whose god is Shiva, and my personal doctor who is of the Priest caste. Their reactions were, "... this is not a religion, this is nothing but a cult" ... and from the other whose God is Shiva who had never heard of the BKs and after a google search found the official website of the BKs, "... this is b*lls**t, absolute b****". Both were highly incensed at what had been done to their beliefs and religion. I must admit, I get offended and incensed at the way Christianity and Jesus Christ's name is thrown around. It is offensive to my religion to have a mere 70 year old cult twist and distort Christianity to suit itself, for its own means and profitability. Now I am not saying my belief system is perfect, far from it, but at least I have a choice.
Now i know no one wants to know the nitty gritty of my personal life, but I only tell this to demonstrate what happens when an individual ceases to be an individual and becomes an 'instrument of god', and how unbelievable quickly it can happen.
Funny as situations change how you really get to know a person (or is this now a non-person?). That is just a technicality. Ultimately, it is his choice. Now he has left the house I am openly being treated as "Shudra". Obviously, I am only in existence to be his convenience, not to be informed of any plans as to when he intends to remove the rest of his belongings in the garage.
If any agreement is made, it's OK to back down, not to inform, not to make contact before coming onto my property, only to be used. Oh, and to pay the mortgage and bills of course. So now I have to bring in the lawyers to demand some resemblance of decent behaviour and get him out of my life forever. Sad when you actually have to set the dogs onto someone. And then they look at you as if you have no rights and how dare I?
To be told, "... you must be strong Di, be strong to get through this" in a condescending manner. But attempt to hold him accountable or responsible for actions, for pinning him down to be in a position so he can stop using me as a convenience for unpaid storage ... then we see the evil that really lies just below the surface. Nothing exists in his mind except total self-centeredness, and he has every excuse to behave that way. In his mind, of course.
I might be so brave to suggest that if you are betraying and turning your back on your family, those you made a full commitment to protect and look after, that one might behave in a manner that would ease the burden. But that would only happen if i was of any real value ... just shows what a clever centre head can do in such a very short time ... Once this man was prepared to die for me ...
What I have to say certainly does not, I repeat, does not apply to the great many of incredible, genuine people I have met here who have shown me nothing but love and support in this most horrendous and difficult time of my life. You know who you are and those that have become close friends. A thought is, maybe what separates you truly spiritual people from the people I talk about in the next paragraph, is that you inquire, you have a depth of spirit that does question and therefore looks for a deeper, truer spirituality and I can honestly say I believe I have been held by angels here. You are obviously prepared to accept responsibilities, move forward and be accountable. So this doesn't apply to you ...
One thing that has become obvious to me now. Please remember, these are my own personal observations and my personal experience, as well as personality traits in some BKs I have read on this forum. Not many, but it is there in a few. Both PBK and BK. The BKs I have personally met, and the one I was to call husband, all seem to have a thin veneer of 'sweet niceness' which coats a not so nice core. Only press the right trigger, ask the correct question or even give the right inquiring 'look' reveals a very quick tempered and barely controlled angry response. This is also evident in the very well know temper of Dadi Janki, known world wide for her intimidating outbursts.
It dosen't take much to uncover or expose the true turmoil and suppressed feelings not far below the fairyfloss surface. I admit, the gentleness and the apparent spirituality was one of the original things that attracted me to him. He just failed to inform me of all his weird hangups that went with it. Truly a wrong thing not to inform me and to mislead me like that. The fact he professed his love before he had kissed me led me to believe he was a deep, meaningful person and that he genuinely did love me. How wrong can one be? It was a laquer to cover untrustworthyness, addiction and all the behaviours that belong to an addict. And at the time, he believed the deceptions he was telling himself.
Now whether you are addicted to hiding from life, betraying family, searching for further meaning, the absolute euphoria of intense meditation and the release of the body's own highly addictive opiates, fear of commitment to others, relationships, hiding from childhood traumas and unresolved issues, the BKs have the absolute and most brilliant excuses that pardon inexcusable despicable behaviours and make it all OK. I've been looking at some of the pics ... private jet plans ... millions and millions of dollars in real estate ... wonder where do they get it all from? It is disgusting in my book. Once again, the excuse that is not what BKs are really about ... rubbish ... this is exactly what they are about. They openly flaunt it ... non-profit making my ar** ... and they offered my husband the best excuses that could ever be imagined so he could embrace and run to that instead of standing up and being a worthwhile person.
The worst thing of all ... this is done in the name of God. To know BKs condone abortion, child abuse (cover ups = supporting), fleecing hard working innocent families of money, manipulation of mothers, fathers, wives and husbands to desert their families and commitments, and use psycic influences and occult practices. Don't give me the heaven family and charity at home. The other big, big thing I've noticed about BK doctrine is the outright deception. We accept any religion ... rubbish. Duty of care is of utmost importance ... rubbish. What they say and what they instill in the head are two opposing forces. The more silent, insidious one is the one that is the loudest.
I wonder how many people would have become BKs and gone to the 2nd free meditation had they been given full disclosure to the core beliefs and practices of this system? The devastation and destruction it would bring to their families and finances. The psychosis and years of therapy, the guilt and fear? The mind control practices?
If video games have to legally come with a disclosure saying it may cause epileptic seizures, then why is the BKSWU not legally responsible for full disclosure before anyone is allowed to walk in the door? Only then, and only then would it be acceptable for this organisation to continue. Only then are people free to leave at any time they choose.
I must say, it is a relief not to have him here. There are not the huge emotional outbursts, the highs and lows. The arguments and the cool detachment he became so good at. Now I have times of peacefulness and i can feel myself healing. Once the strain of having him gone completely out of my life is finished, I can truly then begin to move forward and embrace what I have learned in this experience. (Later I will be able to, but not yet).
I cant be nice now, I don't feel sorry for him. I hope he gets what is coming to him. I hope he gets to feel the full weight of the pain and he feels the full responsibility of what he has caused. Trouble is, I'll never know ... Apologies, but this is so unlike me to be vindictive. So this is what the BK love and light generates in a person and a family. I will not be there for him if he ever comes out. He has lost the best friend he ever had.