CS1979 wrote: But, as we know, some relationships with young, old, family colleagues become a timid, tame or tightened relation that continue or fritter over time and distance.
Many of us after leaving BKs still retain a certain attachment and fondness to those we shared time with. Being in the same place at the same time is to share experiences.
When my daughter was young I used to read a monthly parenting magazine. One article really stuck with me. It was about teaching children about friendship. Of course any half-intelligent parent will tell you that you learn about yourself, what ”informed" you as a child, when you're thinking about how to raise your own child.
This article had one point that stood out for me. Children (and the rest of us) often confuse those we spend time with in a cordial, social common "space” as being friends. In this case the example was the school classroom or playground but it can be a workplace or community or local pub or club - people who are regulars there may beceome seen as being actual ”friends” when they really were just co-travellers in a bus or, as the Sufi analogy describes, they joined our caravan for a while, or we joined theirs.
Spiritual tricks in many traditions that are suggested for breaking
over-attachment often include analogies like that, to see others as people who come and go on a caravan, or as temporary fellow travellers who have their own destinations etc.
That is not unlike the idea of overcoming sexual attractions or desires that overwhelms us by trying to see the other person as a bag of pus, bones, guts and bowel contents!
To me, that's a bit like saying that BKs should just consider Murli points as mere ink on thin sheets of tree particles, pixels on a screen, or, if listened to, as mere vibrating particles of air coming from a speaker cone or a throat (which is pus and blood etc!). Hey, if it's good for the goose it's good for the gander, right! The fallacy of that view is of course ”
meaning” - what does anything mean to you, what comes to mind when you encounter it?
Of course BKs and Vedantists etc don't talk about
over-attachment or
overwhelming desires, they lump all attachment and desire as bad. There is no level of basic human desire or attachment that’s acceptable. being human is unacceptable, break all attachments, you're not your body, your body is a damn dangerous burden and nuisance preventing you from being you.
This way of thinking
means you are always at fault, as per the Christian Catholic sense, always
mea culpa (it is my fault), therefore needing purification, guidance to salvation - which of course they are there to provide. What a sales pitch!
But I have gone off point. The article went on to say that although at the time when we played with other children in the school playground, they were our friends, we'd name them as such to our parents when they asked about our day. Now, as adults, if we can even remember them we don't think of them now as close friends (with a few possible exceptions). Nor do we think we need to go back to school - that is our alma mater. We graduated, we moved on. There are maybe a few friends if any from those days we might stay in touch with, but the rest were just ”fellow travellers" at that time whom, if we bumped into them in the street, we might chat with for minute, but no more than that.
We may remember some characters - A was a bully, B was always taking stuff from me, C was teacher's pet etc - but it was only D who ever made a point to help me when things were tough, D was actually a good person, why wasn't I closer to D? I wonder where D is today ...?
So, one tactic BKs (and other cults) use is the idea of getting people to spend more and more time with them, make them feel welcome and comfortable, so they gradually begin to identify with them as one of them. When you least expect it, they turn into A, B and C types! If you are lucky you may find a BK who is a D type, there are some good people.
But as ex-l related, when you choose to not be a BK anymore, to not be the one who goes to them, to be yourself and not be who they want you to be, they are no longer interested in you, they won't come to you - except to try to get you to go back to them. Once you are seen as out of their influence, they'll leave you alone. Even if you need any other kind of support, they’ll leave you alone -, or especially if ...
So all the adages and terms about friendship can come to mind to guide us.
Erstwhile friends
fair-weather friends
A friend in need is a friend in deed
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out
A man is known by the company he keeps
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Birds of a feather flock together
False friends are worse than open enemies
Familiarity breeds contempt
Friends are thieves of time (either in a good or a bad way)
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen
... and so on