- Posts: 6
- Joined: 31 Mar 2013
Hello everyone,
I found the BKs through a work friend when I was very unhappy in my marriage & my life with a newborn baby & I found the meditation gave me a deep feeling of peace. Since then, 28 years, I have been at various stages in & on the edges but not entirely convinced by some things which I choose to ignore & not to investigate. I took what I liked & left the rest. Every time I came closer to the inner circle, either the senior or some other Sister in the hierarchy made a clear statement rejecting me.
I grew up in a very strong, spiritual & good culture with an very ancient tradition where things like respect, sharing, caring, family & true values are embedded in the culture, laws & traditions. I had also gotten clean & sober from my chemical and process addictions & have spent all my life in 12 step programs genuinely transforming my actions & behaviours. I am a good person & highly intelligent, I have a doctorate & I teach @ a University.
Early in my "BK" life (I don't think I even knew what that was!), I went to my first event when Dadi Janki visited our country. I met a BK Brother then who befriended me & gave me flowers. I was newly divorced, quite vulnerable & looking for peace & a different life, within a matter of months this person began a sexual relationship with me (I am complicit here as I did agree) but it was only once.
I felt quite horrified after as I realised what had really happened & so I went to the country senior, told them & asked about why this would happen if 'celibacy' was truly on the agenda & this person had been a BK a long time. I was treated with disdain, made to feel I caused it & generally guilty.
Being bought up in my culture, it seemed normal for me; relationships, children & families! Being educated in Catholic schools, I knew what institutionalised & Catholic guilt could do so I chose to ignore her & live my life & chose not to engage with that person again as he rejected me when I told him I asked the senior about it. Oh & I was told it was karma & we must have lived together in another life! As our culture believes in reincarnation, I had no problem with that.
Over the years, I maintained my meditation practice which I enjoyed but noticed a high level of dysfunction & institutionalisation & hypocrisy - just like the Catholic church. I kept my distance but studied the philosophy mainly to get answers. I discovered over time that I became more sucked in but still not believing the entire 5000 year thing or I translated The Knowledge I heard into some of the similar things in my own culture but then began to wonder why Indigenous people aren't on The Ladder! Eventually I think I became very indoctrinated, going to India regularly but always having my cultural spiritual life & my 12 step program's to anchor me.
I gradually realised that the senior was always very denigrating of me, not only to me but to others, she refused my child to go to India on countless occasions but Dadi Janki told her she could go when she was 11 as long as she read the Murlis every morning. I let her choose & eventually when my child asked as an adult 18 years old, her Father & I decided it was OK. I never asked for permission for anything except to do retreats & programs but when I told the travel person who told the senior I was taking my now adult child to Mt Abu I was told by the travel person that ' xxxx said it would be my karma if I did'.
My child saw it for what it was, & in fact had always cautioned me, & I know I trust my child more. From the last 5 years, I became more involved in my own cultural traditions learning from my Elders & spiritual people in my own culture what real truth, love & spirituality is. When we took some of my Elders to Mt Abu, Dadi Janki treated them with such arrogance that all of us were very shocked. The leadership has always kept me close but the main senior of our country told me last year (after I had not been for 7 years due to financial issues) that I had not brought any of my people to the Yagya - which is not true - & that I should deal with my self respect (which actually is quite strong) & has generally never treated me with regard or respect which my own women Elders do - usually with unconditional love & respect!
There are too many instances to repeat but, generally, I cannot & don't believe such a hierarchical & dysfunctional group of people who got me at my most vulnerable - & I don't find them very spiritual given the number of incidences I've witnessed ... I spent 5 years in psychotherapy of my own choice after putting a Catholic priest in jail for sexually abusing me as a child & from then I have recovered & questioned anything which does not sit well with me intuitively whilst maintaining those cultural traditions which support my spiritual life of peace & simplicity. I have seen too many adult children like me destroyed by the coercion & lies & I am concerned too.
My psychiatrist challenged my membership of this cult 10 years ago & I heard that but wasn't ready - but he was right - I am now choosing to follow my heart - trust what I know to be true & continue my journey. I always wondered why the BKs denied my sharing of 12 step ideals which actually enable you to be individually responsible & change your behaviour for the better & my cultural traditions which are 'really' about family. I have spent more than half my life celibate because of this institution & because I thought purity was right but I know that it's not what they espouse & now I see how choices based on this falsehood I missed to have a partner.
My child asked me if I was lonely & truthfully I am not but I am sorry I believed them because despite my following the 'rules' I am always treated badly & my human, civil & social, spiritual rights have been violated because I trusted them - a result of my childhood abuse I know ... but now my eyes are wide open & I am choosing what I want to do. I always congratulated any BK who went into a relationship or got married because I always felt it was normal, as all my values do.
So although I've been traumatised & abused psychologically, I know I have, & I know my part in it so I am not a victim as I am intelligent enough to know what I chose & now I am changing it as I have a goal to have no abuse of any kind in my life or my world & to fight for the human & spiritual rights of every being. I have received some good things from the 'BK' life & like a saying from AA "take what you need & leave the rest" is my motto.
Good luck to all of you & be strong & grown up. If you've been hurt use whatever tools you need to heal.
Blessings!
I found the BKs through a work friend when I was very unhappy in my marriage & my life with a newborn baby & I found the meditation gave me a deep feeling of peace. Since then, 28 years, I have been at various stages in & on the edges but not entirely convinced by some things which I choose to ignore & not to investigate. I took what I liked & left the rest. Every time I came closer to the inner circle, either the senior or some other Sister in the hierarchy made a clear statement rejecting me.
I grew up in a very strong, spiritual & good culture with an very ancient tradition where things like respect, sharing, caring, family & true values are embedded in the culture, laws & traditions. I had also gotten clean & sober from my chemical and process addictions & have spent all my life in 12 step programs genuinely transforming my actions & behaviours. I am a good person & highly intelligent, I have a doctorate & I teach @ a University.
Early in my "BK" life (I don't think I even knew what that was!), I went to my first event when Dadi Janki visited our country. I met a BK Brother then who befriended me & gave me flowers. I was newly divorced, quite vulnerable & looking for peace & a different life, within a matter of months this person began a sexual relationship with me (I am complicit here as I did agree) but it was only once.
I felt quite horrified after as I realised what had really happened & so I went to the country senior, told them & asked about why this would happen if 'celibacy' was truly on the agenda & this person had been a BK a long time. I was treated with disdain, made to feel I caused it & generally guilty.
Being bought up in my culture, it seemed normal for me; relationships, children & families! Being educated in Catholic schools, I knew what institutionalised & Catholic guilt could do so I chose to ignore her & live my life & chose not to engage with that person again as he rejected me when I told him I asked the senior about it. Oh & I was told it was karma & we must have lived together in another life! As our culture believes in reincarnation, I had no problem with that.
Over the years, I maintained my meditation practice which I enjoyed but noticed a high level of dysfunction & institutionalisation & hypocrisy - just like the Catholic church. I kept my distance but studied the philosophy mainly to get answers. I discovered over time that I became more sucked in but still not believing the entire 5000 year thing or I translated The Knowledge I heard into some of the similar things in my own culture but then began to wonder why Indigenous people aren't on The Ladder! Eventually I think I became very indoctrinated, going to India regularly but always having my cultural spiritual life & my 12 step program's to anchor me.
I gradually realised that the senior was always very denigrating of me, not only to me but to others, she refused my child to go to India on countless occasions but Dadi Janki told her she could go when she was 11 as long as she read the Murlis every morning. I let her choose & eventually when my child asked as an adult 18 years old, her Father & I decided it was OK. I never asked for permission for anything except to do retreats & programs but when I told the travel person who told the senior I was taking my now adult child to Mt Abu I was told by the travel person that ' xxxx said it would be my karma if I did'.
My child saw it for what it was, & in fact had always cautioned me, & I know I trust my child more. From the last 5 years, I became more involved in my own cultural traditions learning from my Elders & spiritual people in my own culture what real truth, love & spirituality is. When we took some of my Elders to Mt Abu, Dadi Janki treated them with such arrogance that all of us were very shocked. The leadership has always kept me close but the main senior of our country told me last year (after I had not been for 7 years due to financial issues) that I had not brought any of my people to the Yagya - which is not true - & that I should deal with my self respect (which actually is quite strong) & has generally never treated me with regard or respect which my own women Elders do - usually with unconditional love & respect!
There are too many instances to repeat but, generally, I cannot & don't believe such a hierarchical & dysfunctional group of people who got me at my most vulnerable - & I don't find them very spiritual given the number of incidences I've witnessed ... I spent 5 years in psychotherapy of my own choice after putting a Catholic priest in jail for sexually abusing me as a child & from then I have recovered & questioned anything which does not sit well with me intuitively whilst maintaining those cultural traditions which support my spiritual life of peace & simplicity. I have seen too many adult children like me destroyed by the coercion & lies & I am concerned too.
My psychiatrist challenged my membership of this cult 10 years ago & I heard that but wasn't ready - but he was right - I am now choosing to follow my heart - trust what I know to be true & continue my journey. I always wondered why the BKs denied my sharing of 12 step ideals which actually enable you to be individually responsible & change your behaviour for the better & my cultural traditions which are 'really' about family. I have spent more than half my life celibate because of this institution & because I thought purity was right but I know that it's not what they espouse & now I see how choices based on this falsehood I missed to have a partner.
My child asked me if I was lonely & truthfully I am not but I am sorry I believed them because despite my following the 'rules' I am always treated badly & my human, civil & social, spiritual rights have been violated because I trusted them - a result of my childhood abuse I know ... but now my eyes are wide open & I am choosing what I want to do. I always congratulated any BK who went into a relationship or got married because I always felt it was normal, as all my values do.
So although I've been traumatised & abused psychologically, I know I have, & I know my part in it so I am not a victim as I am intelligent enough to know what I chose & now I am changing it as I have a goal to have no abuse of any kind in my life or my world & to fight for the human & spiritual rights of every being. I have received some good things from the 'BK' life & like a saying from AA "take what you need & leave the rest" is my motto.
Good luck to all of you & be strong & grown up. If you've been hurt use whatever tools you need to heal.
Blessings!