Hi everyone,
I have surfed this website for a few weeks on and off, but felt too scared to register. I have now registered though, and was wondering if there are any young people on here that grew up as BK kids. I still feel conflicted about posting on this site, very scared, so I have used a false name to register here.
I was 3, my Sister was 1, when both my parents joined the BK. In a few years they had their own centre at home. We were a prime example of how BK families could really work, with a husband and wife running a centre, and two little girls growing up as perfect little Kumaris.
I remember, as a child, being scared a lot of the time, always thinking about how the world was about to end. I think in 1997, BKs were instructed to stock up for a possible upcoming Destruction. My parents, as many other BKs, stocked 1000's of litres of water, tonnes of canned food, medical supplies, etc. I would have been 10 or 11 at that time, and I remember being scared on New Year's Day 1997, scared that all my friends were going to die, scared I wasn't perfect enough and that my parents and Sister would go to the Golden Age without me.
As a children we had to set an example for all the students coming to our centre, which meant attending morning classes, then going to school, and attending evening classes or bhattis. And, boy, did we get in trouble if we tried to sleep in. Especially bhattis were so hard for me, try having an 8 year old sit still for 1 or 2 hours. I thought God could hear my every thought, and I'd try really hard to think about Shiva and Brahma during bhattis, but my thoughts would inadvertently go to school or friends and when I'd "catch" myself I'd feel guilty, knowing I hadn't been meditating properly.
As I went through puberty, I developed intense feelings of guilt, for having sexual feelings or thoughts. As many BK kids, it was drummed into us that we were to never ever have boyfriends, or get married.
I am now 23 (my parents are still very active in the BK community). I started questioning my BK upbringing around age 17. This co-incided with me getting clinically depressed, several suicide attempts and some time in a residential adolescent psychiatric facility for depression and suicidality.
When I met a man I feel in love with, I did everything a "proper" girl would do. We waited with getting intimate until after we got married, I lived with my parents up until the day I got married, yet I still felt dirty and guilty, and like I had disappointed God. I just couldn't face the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone, and never being able to have kids, and this felt weak, giving in to my desires.
I got married at age 21, we've almost been married for 2 years now. We're very happy, but every single day I still feel the grip that BK holds over me. I feel guilty when we're intimate, I have trouble forming attachment, because for years I was taught that attachment was a sin, I feel guilty for wanting to become a mum.
I've been in therapy with a very good therapist for almost 3 years now. I see him twice a week. I trust him completely and enjoy working with him, yet I feel he doesn't quite "get" how deeply entrenched these BK beliefs are inside of me, and how much influence it still has over my life, my thinking, my emotions.
So I was wondering if there's any other people on here that were kids when their parents joined the BK, and that have never known any other life apart from BK life.
Thanks for reading.
Priscilla
I have surfed this website for a few weeks on and off, but felt too scared to register. I have now registered though, and was wondering if there are any young people on here that grew up as BK kids. I still feel conflicted about posting on this site, very scared, so I have used a false name to register here.
I was 3, my Sister was 1, when both my parents joined the BK. In a few years they had their own centre at home. We were a prime example of how BK families could really work, with a husband and wife running a centre, and two little girls growing up as perfect little Kumaris.
I remember, as a child, being scared a lot of the time, always thinking about how the world was about to end. I think in 1997, BKs were instructed to stock up for a possible upcoming Destruction. My parents, as many other BKs, stocked 1000's of litres of water, tonnes of canned food, medical supplies, etc. I would have been 10 or 11 at that time, and I remember being scared on New Year's Day 1997, scared that all my friends were going to die, scared I wasn't perfect enough and that my parents and Sister would go to the Golden Age without me.
As a children we had to set an example for all the students coming to our centre, which meant attending morning classes, then going to school, and attending evening classes or bhattis. And, boy, did we get in trouble if we tried to sleep in. Especially bhattis were so hard for me, try having an 8 year old sit still for 1 or 2 hours. I thought God could hear my every thought, and I'd try really hard to think about Shiva and Brahma during bhattis, but my thoughts would inadvertently go to school or friends and when I'd "catch" myself I'd feel guilty, knowing I hadn't been meditating properly.
As I went through puberty, I developed intense feelings of guilt, for having sexual feelings or thoughts. As many BK kids, it was drummed into us that we were to never ever have boyfriends, or get married.
I am now 23 (my parents are still very active in the BK community). I started questioning my BK upbringing around age 17. This co-incided with me getting clinically depressed, several suicide attempts and some time in a residential adolescent psychiatric facility for depression and suicidality.
When I met a man I feel in love with, I did everything a "proper" girl would do. We waited with getting intimate until after we got married, I lived with my parents up until the day I got married, yet I still felt dirty and guilty, and like I had disappointed God. I just couldn't face the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone, and never being able to have kids, and this felt weak, giving in to my desires.
I got married at age 21, we've almost been married for 2 years now. We're very happy, but every single day I still feel the grip that BK holds over me. I feel guilty when we're intimate, I have trouble forming attachment, because for years I was taught that attachment was a sin, I feel guilty for wanting to become a mum.
I've been in therapy with a very good therapist for almost 3 years now. I see him twice a week. I trust him completely and enjoy working with him, yet I feel he doesn't quite "get" how deeply entrenched these BK beliefs are inside of me, and how much influence it still has over my life, my thinking, my emotions.
So I was wondering if there's any other people on here that were kids when their parents joined the BK, and that have never known any other life apart from BK life.
Thanks for reading.
Priscilla