Talk about psychosis!
I have now reached a decision. I don't want to play this BK game anymore. I don't want the roller coaster any more. Now he is accusing the boys of being contemptuous, there is your bit of paranoia just for one example. Severe depression, he is showing all the classical signs of clinical depression.
Wants to go on a 4 day retreat, wait for it ... to give up the cigarettes. (How's that for a bit of denial? Go to a health retreat instead!). Just because it is easter and time for family and he can go some other time is besides the point.
This man is in severe pain and torment. He is the prize in a tug of WAR between myself and the BK in charge. Well, I am changing the rules ... no more war games, I decided to when I got told tonight and I quote:
"You have no idea of the power and light I can bring into this house, so what if it is the small sacrifice of our relationship?". Now, how is that for some really disturbed mental processes? He could barely contain himself when he was saying it, eyes were wide-eyed and glazed, arms were going, you know the story.
So, new rules. He supposedly has his own mind. He can make his own decisions, BUT he has to come to a decision what he wants and take the responsibility. He cannot have both. I'll push the BK rules so far down his throat he'll choke. (God forgive me, I am not being very nice but I got to get this off my chest). The BKs do not allow him to have me. He wants chastity? He will get the whole Murli rule book thrown at him if that is his choice. No hypocrisy allowed now in my home. No touching at all, no kissing, no physical contact, polite strangers, separate rooms, legal documents drawn up to protect my house and my kids security, no more financial support from me ... I wont even make him a cup of tea anymore ... no more cake and eat it too.
So, after I made the new rules strictly according to BK-dom doctrine and that is how we would live if that was his decision, he seemed really confused and had thought I was making the decision for him. That is how we would live from now on. Why would he think I was deciding to push him further into the BKs and out of my life? I had to re explain that this is what life would be if he decided he was going to continue on this path. He decided he hasn't definitely made his decision after all. Talk about a very confused man.
After I cooled off a little, I did explain to him how I thought he was severely depressed, and being in that state he probably wasn't in a good place to make life altering decisions. Maybe a trip to the doctors would be in order ... "I am not taking any drugs!" was the reply ... So I guess I got the Scorpio tongue going and said what on earth did he think the feel good meditation thing was? Heard of dopamine??? Addictive stuff. Why do they call adrenaline junkies, junkies? blah blah blah. I think I upset him
. Oh, and he also told me he didnt have the time to go to a therapist. There wasn't enough time and his problem was spiritual.
Special thanks to you Proy, I managed to get him to read your post on Katie's thread. I don't know what effect. I also suggested if he ever felt a need to talk to anyone, that this forum was the place, only PM if he wanted, because this was the only place he could find people who understood exactly what he was going through. He at least looked thoughtful.
Ultimately, I have opted out of the war because I love him. If this continues he will most definitely have a total breakdown ... If it is neccessary to explore and immerse himself in the BKs, so do it. He knows he can come to his best friend (me) when it doesn't work, though he knows we will not have a relationship any more. I have told him point blank I do not trust him at all. He cannot continue to be pulled in two opposing directions without the mental and emotional threads snapping. I strongly suggested he goes to the doctors again later, explained to him the process by which anti-depressants work, that they are not a narcotic (unlike the dopamine we release), and if he would consider trying this, at least he may be in a position to make a more rational decision that is going to permanently impact so drastically on his life.
Thanks everyone. This is the only place I can rave, and vent, and try to get my head around this. I am really letting loose. He cant hurt me any more than he has ... I think I am way past the crying stage. I will let him have his freedom if that what it takes. The way it is now, with the BKs and me waging war and him being the prize, can never allow us to have a healthy relationship or any sort of relationship. Its make or break time.
This is in the hands of God now. And I will tell all of you BKs out there that do service by recruiting innocent, lost souls into your so called non-religious, non-political, non-profit, non-cult ... You will go to hell for what you have done to innocent people and their families. for the hatred and animosity you create by what you do (and I never hated anyone before this). For all you have destroyed and all of the pain you have caused, and mainly because you take God's name and use it for egotistical self-satisfying gains with no conscience or responsibility, you will go to hell for it.
Can you tell I am upset? I appologise for offending or upsetting anyone but if you cant tell, I am at my wits end. Any suggestions? There really isnt anything more I can do is there?
No more games. No more BK speak. No more B***s***. I don't know what else I can do.
I wish I had your wife's strength Proy.