Bansy, such incredible insight. What a summation.
The triangle. The 2 sexes do have very different ways of dealing with situations and issues. I find the older we get, the more complex we are. I think both Joel and ex-l are right in what they say but it is connected. The what comes first, the chicken or the egg? One doesn't really exist with out the other.
I am very, very pleased to say these questions, and this forum, have allowed me to get to a place that I am finally finding contentment in. It struck me, as I was working in the wee small hours in peace doing fine bead work for an order (this is when my mind starts its own meanderings), that up to date I had been only asking questions about them and the BKs. No questions about my own behaviour. Of course, I don't want my life as I know it to change. It had taken such an effort to get here. But life is not stagnant.
What were my motifs? Why had I such an unacknowledged need to control his life and decisions? What real right do I have to do that? I wouldn't welcome it in my life. (Part of why I was angry at him and BKs is because they had made decisions that affected my life). Yes, women do have an incredibly strong need to nurture, to fix everyone's problems, to steer people they care about in a direction that we see fit, and we make the decision of what is best for them, thus depriving the very people we care about the right to decide for themselves. Whether we agree with it or not.
Another thing we all have in common is that we have all been wanting to control their behaviour. Of course, they have been unacceptable and wrong in their treatment of us but instead of dealing with our behaviour, we want to change theirs to suit us. Which brings me to where I am now. Peaceful. I can give him the room to make his decisions. I can still love and be supportive, I can still be in a position to pose questions to him. I do not have the right to demand he lives according to my rules. I have to live according to my rules and values but he doesn't, they are mine. I do not have the right to control him because his actions hurt or are not the outcome I want. I do love him. I want him to find what he is looking for. These are his issues and only he can fix them, I cannot. I can only explain to him how I get to this place of peace. If he wishes for me to show him how I got here, I will. If not, that's fine. I would be so incredibly sad to loose him, who knows what will happen, but its OK. I can deal better with it now.
Up to now I was so angry, I blamed him and hated the BK organisation. I regretted having met him and resented that he would put me through this. I don't have this now (maybe just a teeny bit still, but getting better). I had a very dysfunctional childhood and a horrific 1st marriage but do not regret any of it. I learnt. I discovered myself. I grew. I am doing so as we speak. I forgot the answers are in me.
I came on the forum, I wanted someone to be able to give me the solutions, to be able to make it all better for me. The forum, you wonderful souls, gave me the information; the means and the direction for me to look where I could find solutions that I was happy with. I can let him go now, if that's what he really ends up wanting. I am in a position now where I can tell him if a situation is unacceptable to me without wanting to crucify him for it and make him bend to my will. I am now taking the first small steps to heal myself. I can now boot him out the door if that is what I decide to do. I will give him a chance. He is trying to decide now. He looks so sick.
He admitted he betrayed me and finally took some responsibility. The ball is in his court at the moment but I hold a racquet. Ex-I is right. Examine the relationship. What is it really all about? It is not about me and what i want nor is it about him and what he wants ... it is about US.
Mind you, this is where I am at. This does not absolve the BK institution from their responsibilities of what they are doing and the harm they have done. It does not relieve my man of his responsibility and the consequences of the decisions he is making. Nor does it relieve me of my responsibilities to stop trying to 'save and fix' him and to control him and to start focusing on my own issues instead of directing everything to him.
Thank you all for listening to my deep personal ravings. I hope I haven't bored you all to tears. May be someone else can relate to this and it help them. I just wish I could give something back to you all. Cant help wanting to go and mother Mr Green. He is such a sweetheart. (There I go wanting to mother the world again and put the bullies (BKs) in their place)
. I really wish I could give something back, maybe it will come to me.
Maybe The Knowledge that you have helped me find my peace and contentment again will be a little something. It is fragile, but it is there. All my love, thank you.