I thank you all for your warm welcome and very wise words. If fact you have voiced many of my ideas such as the "affair idea", having one's cake and eating it, and dear ex-l, your words were not painful, they are enlightening and i uphold truth more than anything. The words you have spoken helps strengthen my resolve and as a realist I like to keep my feet firmly planted. At this point in time things look more optimistic, but i know there is a very difficult road ahead. Many days of talking, and listening ... no matter what was said, no matter what the consequences of what he was doing was going to be made no difference, all i received was, "I must purify myself no matter what the cost".
My main argument was basically 2 areas ... how does one think they can obtain purity by causing pain, destruction and metaphorical death along the way? There is no justification in this, only excuses and weak ones at that ... The whole philosophy of having a single idea in mind and destroying everything in its path in order to obtain that goal (and then the path taken actually makes it impossible to then obtain the goal) and then being arrogant enough to attempt to justify the way is anything but pure and god like, and by this means they expect to develop their spirituality? I hardly think so.
The other aspect of all this is the personal side and I guess it depends on your view of sexual relations. In fact, this all came to a head and it had nothing to do with sex. My mother has just been diagnosed with advanced cancer, at this stage not fully known how advanced. As a registered nurse I am fully aware of what is ahead and this is more than likely terminal. At the time in my life I needed to be able to rely on him. All I received was some detached non-involved (still very nice and polite) token. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, nothing to feel sorry for me about ... this is life ... it happens ... it is painful but if handled the right way we grow and develop and become more spiritual.
Anyway, one thing lead to another and this is how i found out. This point is ... if you make a committed relationship, you make vows to another being, you uphold them (until it comes to a point where you find a situation beyond acceptable). You do not emotionally detach yourself and basically use the other person's love and enjoy all the material benefits, the house cleaner and the income earner and give nothing in return keeping it instead for a group of people who have extremist religious views and quite frankly don't care less about you as an individual or your family.
The long and short of it is, I was not going to live a lie nor be used. I am not 20 years old any more and able to be manipulated. If he wanted his BK life at the cost of his family, then I would make that choice for him. The sheer arrogance of his and this particular group to make major decisions affecting my life and my family and then to attempt to justify it without even consulting me is beyond belief. I had no say in this, but I can decide what i will accept or not accept. It was not until I told him that he was untrustworthy and could not be relied upon that i touched a nerve. "What sweeping harsh statements I made!" he said.
I then explained and expanded and logically spelt it all out and how i felt this was so morally wrong that I would not support it. I would move into the back room, there would be no kissing or cuddling, we were separated but would co-exist under the same roof for a short time. I will not allow myself to be used, to have my trust abused, and to have my whole being, which i gave in the act of love making tainted and thrown back in my face. If i was unclean, then all the conveniences and pleasantness i provided was also unclean. Well, let's just say it made some impact, and obviously he was not that far gone that the thought of leaving me (and the house and his comforts) was astounding.
The really interesting thing is, its is almost like he was shocked out of a trance, i almost immediately felt our old connection which has strengthened again over the last day. Gone (at the moment, who can tell for how long) is the shell of a person who made a pretence of this life.
To answer your question the 12 steps, yes, that is how he became sober 7 years ago. Instead of going back to AA, as he should, he took the easy option and decided to get high on self and group hypnosis. At this stage, like all addicts, he refuses to see he is only feeding his addiction ... his choice, doesn't mean i will accept it. He knows me well enough, I am a person of my word, I do not make idle threats, and I act very quickly once my decision is made, (once I have respected the other person by discussing it, of course) and i do not go back.
The other question of me joining ... well, let us just say i have been invited many times ... i have spent my life learning to have self respect and not to be manipulated by others, to have the strength to do the right things. I have my own beliefs and am very spiritual, but a very practical person and do my best to apply them to this life. If i don't, what will the next one be like??? My support group? At the moment I am my family's so I am the strong one here. Aging parents who are ill (both), three teenage boys, who i might add are always respectful, do not drink to excess, do not smoke and do not do drugs. They work, study and are well adjusted. Luckily, I am strong, independent and resourceful. Run my own business, but can survive by doing a few extra nursing shifts. I don't think i quite fit the mould of a BK and would probably want to start a union movement in the group!!!
Dear Worldpeace, unfortunately if someone chooses to be blind ... he refuses to look, to use his brain, says he has already seen 'other' points of view ... as he is refusing to go to AA. But i'll keep working on that.
So is this really about sex? Morality? Spiritual paths? No, this is about removing the individual from their family, it is a tool to cut outside influences. This has nothing to do with sex. I believe in ethics and morality. This chastity they ask for is not chastity, it is a means to gain more control, and i cannot see anything godlike in the methodology.
To all of you, your care and advice (and i will read the literature you suggest) has been my greatest support. Thank you This will be a rough road, and I fear for his spiritual and mental health. I will always be OK and come out the other side. It is so sad, for an intelligent man to be so stupid. It is painful to see him so torn and in so much distress, - his choice I guess - but at this very second he is with me again and i will do what i can ... in what time i have. The thing is, he is a genuine, caring, sincere person which i think is what this group is feeding off. I will re-read and explore further BK.info. You good people have already done much for me, bless you.
Please understand, I respect the BKs. These people truly believe in what they are doing. It is not my place to judge or criticize and we all have to find our own way. I can only speak from my personal point of view and the pain it causes in my life. My prediction is (just as i knew we would end up at this point) that my partner will again attempt to reach this non-attainable 'purity', will find no comfort and peace and only self recriminations. On the failure of this, he will be unable to cope and return to the bottle. If he survives he may become sober again with a lot of work. I have told him this, but also that i can help (having worked in mental health for 16 years) but instead of taking the relative easy way ie BKs and escaping, i can show him how he instead can deal with his issues. Probably not as a partner anymore, but as his best friend which i always will be.
You all have helped me more than you know and i thank you (and appologise for the length of this post).
di