Pros:
I am sorry for such a long post. There is still so much anger and pain inside me.
Take care.
- - I have been to India and there, in 1995, on the Shiv Jayanti, I realized that there was no "God" at all. I was so confused and disappointed. I felt they just deceived me. I have been to Madhuban only once and never ever again. That is the only one truly positive aspect of my BK life, that let me open my eyes and to know the truth.
- - I lost my family. My mother is a BK from 1992 and, at the moment, just two weeks ago I forbid her to have ANYTHING common to that cult. Either BKs or I'll throw her out of the flat. And she had to make a choice. We have been in a regular conflict since I quit the organization in 2000. My Father died in 2005.
- I passed through a very deep thought reform. They just gave me a decent brainwashing but, luckily, they failed to totally brainwashed me. That's why I managed to survive and escaped eventually.
- I lost the chance to continue studying (I wanted to study English and work as a professional translator), instead, in 1994, when I was 19 and had one by one two nervous breakdowns just two months before the last exams in my secondary school, my mother, an active BK for two years, pulled me in that cult; and I joined as I was completely out of reality in the very middle of the nervous breakdown. I did not care at all what would happen to me. My Father did not care too.
And now, because of my mental illness, I've got worse and worse problems with my memory because of the chronic depression.
- For the 6 years I had spent with those monsters, I learned:
- how to be an extreme egoist,
how to stop to care for those I love,
how to cheat and lie the people just to lure them to the cult (thank God I failed to bring to the cult anyone),
how to cut off any emotions and feelings,
how to deal with spirits,
how to believe even in the biggest bulls**t in the world which is true because everything what ShivBaba would say, MUST BE THE TRUTH, and whatever Seniors say must be the truth as well,
how to use hypnosis on others (even now, after 13 years outside that cult, I am still afraid to look straight into one's eyes, I fear not to hypnotize them by chance).
I also learned how to use violence both emotional and mental to achieve my goal (their goal),
I learned how to pretend that I am happy as I was forced to be always happy, and to have zeal and enthusiasm - Baba doesn't like the sad and depressed "children".
- I was beaten by some hools they called themselves the football fans who broke my jaw, because I wasn't able to properly react in the moment when my life was in danger, I was speechless - because of the BKWSU preach that if you have a real good Yoga, you would be even able to turn yourself into a cone of light and nobody would even dare to touch you.
Of course, I believed in that nonsense. Even my mother was repeating me that. I lost her too as she tried and still tries to deny that she is not my mother anymore, she is my "spiritual Sister" who played a role of my mother in the certain period of time as she used to do it in every Kalpa . You don't even know how much I hate her for what she did to me, when I had a nervous breakdown - instead of taking me to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist she let the BKs "to take care of me".
- For 13 years I have suffered from depressive and fear disorders, I was suicidal very often, I had a one suicide attempt but, luckily, it failed. I had no friends because they are afraid of me, because of my mental illness. I only had one mate who is depressive too. I had no family, as my all relatives shut their doors on front of me, when I had that courage to tell them about my illness. It was short after my Father died, and it seemed that we are a family, but they just pretend. I made a mistake, but it doesn't matter anymore.
- A month ago the doctor told me that I suffer from candidiasis (I am passing through very unpleasant and painful medical treatment at the moment). For the six years of my life as a BK, I ate just enormous amount of sugar. I was working very hard (I had to be in contact with the centre-in-charge constantly), and was eating not much though. Only that much to have the power to do a "karma Yoga" in the BK centre (I was responsible for media) or for the organization outside 24/7/365. I hadn't my own life at all, no needs. I just did not exist as an independent person.
- I suffer from sleep deprivation and insomnia. I dream very often (when I am able to sleep eventually) of the nightmares where the BKs dressed in black, smiling and giving drishti, in deep Yoga they are marching in the streets of my city and killing people at just one gaze.
- I have a critical amount of self-respect, and very often I refuse myself to do something I am keen on, because I feel I don't deserve to it.
- I am not able to love a human and I am afraid to let others to be loved (although I love my cat and care for her very, very much). After I escape the BKs, I find myself some kind a sociopath. And that extreme feeling of shame. Paralyzing. Freezing.
- I am not able to make a relationship. Two of mine were completely disaster, and my partners just exploited me because I let them to do just the same way I was letting the BKs to treat me like their slave. That doesn't make sense anymore.
- I don't trust anyone. I am not able to enjoy my life at all.
- I fear of the future, as the visions of Destruction I still have in my head, don't let me to plan anything.
I am sorry for such a long post. There is still so much anger and pain inside me.
Take care.