Good morning everyone. I am currently attending BK at least twice a week, if not more when I can. I know after about a year and a half of my seperation I have completely changed as a person. Although, what happened to me before the seperation also changed me as a person. I found in the beginning that everyone was so supportive of me. When I was invited to do the foundation course, I jumped at the chance. Although, at that stage I really had no idea what was involved.
Even after the first 'lesson' I had a lot of questions. The type of person I am, I refrained from asking. As the weeks went on, I had a lot of doubts and a bunch of questions. I have never had any religious or spiritual beliefs at all. So when the discussion started about 'god' I wanted to 'shut my ears', but was encouraged to be open to the idea. In these lessons, I really felt that there was no room for questions (as in questioning the truth or anything else in their eyes). It appeared to me that if you had no belief or even questions, that it was any wonder that I was in the space that I was. I was encouraged to do 'service' and that this would help me gain more clarity in what was my future path.
Attending these lessons and also being at the BK Center, there is always pictures of Shiva Baba, Baba, and a bunch of other things taught in the lessons. It is always constantly in your face. I am trying so hard to find myself, to find the real me, to find my truth. Earlier this year I started to dedicate more and more time to 'karma Yoga' and to the classes.
Finding out that you had to complete the whole course to even attend the Murli, gave me a sense of hope, that one day I would see who I truely was. I had a lot of anger, self-doubt, shame, guilt, all the stuff that goes along with coming out of an abusive marriage. To even express this and the effect it was having on me was almost impossible to deal with.
The only come back in the lessons was that if I did not 'surrender' and 'give all of this to Baba', I would never get anywhere and that all the Karma Yoga in the world would not help. The point of surrender I think was what really got to me. Had I not given up everything and surrendered enough from where I had come from? To do it again, I felt that I would be giving up any form of self-empowerment. I however kept on attending the lessons and the Murli when I had completed the course. Even though, once I was finished these lessons, I still had questions that were not answered.
I could not imagine how much one would be influenced by all this, especially when someone can be so easily influenced by their teachers and other BK's around you. I brought a lot of books to try and answer my questions, same thing happened tho. I think that everything in the books as also been so ingrained in the 'teachers' that this is what they are ingraining into others. I have a whole library collection of these books, cards and cd's. The most I think this has done is benefit the BK bank account.
I do believe that meditation for me has helped. However I have tried to change the way I meditate. Trying to get the vision of Baba out of my head and the 'tree' out of my head etc, has been nearly impossible. All that & only after 16 months! Shows how much influence they have on you. Either that or how impressionable I am! I still to this day still attend the Murli whenever I can. I had the opportunity recently to sit in on a Murli class with Didi. When it was time to go and accept toli, I could not believe the look she gave me. It almost put the fear into me. Like she could 'mind read' that I had serious doubts. What an impression she left in my memory! Since then I have really backed myself off from doing so much 'service' or 'karma Yoga'.
I feel that i am not only questioning myself as to my beliefs in relation to BK and also because all the guilt, shame, anger etc etc, has not been dealt with. I have tried to push it down i guess you could say. Too true and have faith that if I give everything to Baba, he will take care of it. It is all a matter of surrendering and faith! Well quite frankly, I have tried so hard to do this, and to no avail.
Some days I think I am managing OK, then there are other days that it all seems to get the better of me. I am tossing up the idea of trying to do some healing with a counsellor. I do not know if pushing these feelings down and moving on will help. Or maybe if these are really confronted and dealt with, it will be then that I can truely move forward. I have trouble believing in myself at times, although I am a lot better than when I first got out of the marriage.
I would appreciate some ideas and some feed back on this matter. I could go on and on, but will leave it at this for now. At least i have opened up a bit I guess and hopefully will get some clear answers in the near future. Thank you all for your time and patience. Om Shanti.
Even after the first 'lesson' I had a lot of questions. The type of person I am, I refrained from asking. As the weeks went on, I had a lot of doubts and a bunch of questions. I have never had any religious or spiritual beliefs at all. So when the discussion started about 'god' I wanted to 'shut my ears', but was encouraged to be open to the idea. In these lessons, I really felt that there was no room for questions (as in questioning the truth or anything else in their eyes). It appeared to me that if you had no belief or even questions, that it was any wonder that I was in the space that I was. I was encouraged to do 'service' and that this would help me gain more clarity in what was my future path.
Attending these lessons and also being at the BK Center, there is always pictures of Shiva Baba, Baba, and a bunch of other things taught in the lessons. It is always constantly in your face. I am trying so hard to find myself, to find the real me, to find my truth. Earlier this year I started to dedicate more and more time to 'karma Yoga' and to the classes.
Finding out that you had to complete the whole course to even attend the Murli, gave me a sense of hope, that one day I would see who I truely was. I had a lot of anger, self-doubt, shame, guilt, all the stuff that goes along with coming out of an abusive marriage. To even express this and the effect it was having on me was almost impossible to deal with.
The only come back in the lessons was that if I did not 'surrender' and 'give all of this to Baba', I would never get anywhere and that all the Karma Yoga in the world would not help. The point of surrender I think was what really got to me. Had I not given up everything and surrendered enough from where I had come from? To do it again, I felt that I would be giving up any form of self-empowerment. I however kept on attending the lessons and the Murli when I had completed the course. Even though, once I was finished these lessons, I still had questions that were not answered.
I could not imagine how much one would be influenced by all this, especially when someone can be so easily influenced by their teachers and other BK's around you. I brought a lot of books to try and answer my questions, same thing happened tho. I think that everything in the books as also been so ingrained in the 'teachers' that this is what they are ingraining into others. I have a whole library collection of these books, cards and cd's. The most I think this has done is benefit the BK bank account.
I do believe that meditation for me has helped. However I have tried to change the way I meditate. Trying to get the vision of Baba out of my head and the 'tree' out of my head etc, has been nearly impossible. All that & only after 16 months! Shows how much influence they have on you. Either that or how impressionable I am! I still to this day still attend the Murli whenever I can. I had the opportunity recently to sit in on a Murli class with Didi. When it was time to go and accept toli, I could not believe the look she gave me. It almost put the fear into me. Like she could 'mind read' that I had serious doubts. What an impression she left in my memory! Since then I have really backed myself off from doing so much 'service' or 'karma Yoga'.
I feel that i am not only questioning myself as to my beliefs in relation to BK and also because all the guilt, shame, anger etc etc, has not been dealt with. I have tried to push it down i guess you could say. Too true and have faith that if I give everything to Baba, he will take care of it. It is all a matter of surrendering and faith! Well quite frankly, I have tried so hard to do this, and to no avail.
Some days I think I am managing OK, then there are other days that it all seems to get the better of me. I am tossing up the idea of trying to do some healing with a counsellor. I do not know if pushing these feelings down and moving on will help. Or maybe if these are really confronted and dealt with, it will be then that I can truely move forward. I have trouble believing in myself at times, although I am a lot better than when I first got out of the marriage.
I would appreciate some ideas and some feed back on this matter. I could go on and on, but will leave it at this for now. At least i have opened up a bit I guess and hopefully will get some clear answers in the near future. Thank you all for your time and patience. Om Shanti.