- Posts: 11
- Joined: 06 Mar 2012
Hi, I have been Baba's long lost and now found child for many many years - 18 years ago I came into Gyan - and after all that BKism for 10 years pakkha, I found myself being another person. I was working hard on myself - so they say - but eventually I was just very arrogant and cut off from my real feelings, I must say. Afraid of saying that I cannot be Shiv Shakti anymore!!!!!
I left because I fell in love and broke Maryadas and Shrimat. I could not handle my shame in front of Seniors, Didi Sudesh especially.
The final decision to leave was as follows:
I said, "bye" to Baba from my heart, while he was speaking in Madhuban, left the centre and never came back again. No more contact at ALL - hard times man ... getting phone calls and invitations and feeling panic every time some BK spoke on my answering machine.
I was so afraid of hell and all the horror I have been told ... Now I found myself being able to life my live peacefully and with sex and down on Mother Earth with a spiritual habbit which might be still with Baba, as it seems I do not get him-her-it out of my mind and head. What to do about that, I wonder ... or let it be? I decided to not fight it and change it: I is my capacity of being a spiritual being and a goddess, anyway.
It was good to me to write down the stuff and even daring it to be put into www. Courage and will power for those who want to leave. I am having a great time without BK and feeling thankful for the lesson I learned in some ways and at the same time amazed how I could follow for all these years. Thank god I had my daughter before I decided to follow 150%!!
After 2 years off suffering like hell, I found myself being MYSELF again. The "not being sure whether to leave or not" made me almost ready to kill myself, and I was sucked in totally. The "Dadis and Didis, snakes and alligators" came into my dreams and I could not believe it ...
Nevertheless, my meditations and experiences - some of them - had been the best ever happened to me in this world - and I still can not overcome totally the disappointment in my heart that Shiva is not God and my connections was (is) with whom or what THEN???
I left because I fell in love and broke Maryadas and Shrimat. I could not handle my shame in front of Seniors, Didi Sudesh especially.
The final decision to leave was as follows:
I said, "bye" to Baba from my heart, while he was speaking in Madhuban, left the centre and never came back again. No more contact at ALL - hard times man ... getting phone calls and invitations and feeling panic every time some BK spoke on my answering machine.
I was so afraid of hell and all the horror I have been told ... Now I found myself being able to life my live peacefully and with sex and down on Mother Earth with a spiritual habbit which might be still with Baba, as it seems I do not get him-her-it out of my mind and head. What to do about that, I wonder ... or let it be? I decided to not fight it and change it: I is my capacity of being a spiritual being and a goddess, anyway.
It was good to me to write down the stuff and even daring it to be put into www. Courage and will power for those who want to leave. I am having a great time without BK and feeling thankful for the lesson I learned in some ways and at the same time amazed how I could follow for all these years. Thank god I had my daughter before I decided to follow 150%!!
After 2 years off suffering like hell, I found myself being MYSELF again. The "not being sure whether to leave or not" made me almost ready to kill myself, and I was sucked in totally. The "Dadis and Didis, snakes and alligators" came into my dreams and I could not believe it ...
Nevertheless, my meditations and experiences - some of them - had been the best ever happened to me in this world - and I still can not overcome totally the disappointment in my heart that Shiva is not God and my connections was (is) with whom or what THEN???