The Existential Shame Spiral
Posted: 11 Apr 2009
I have been unable to write for a while as I have been meeting some "shadows" that I have not experienced for a long time.
Kaufman coined the term "shame spiral" and here is his definition of it:
I prefer the term tornado to spiral. To me it feels as though a dark tornado is locked inside my body. It has no exit, and it co-opts the mind to hoover up any trivial thing from the outside, twist in into something negative, and feed it into the spiraling closed energy circuit inside. It is overwhelming, debilitating, self-perpetuating, and feels "true" when it is in full flow. I absolutely see how it can lead to suicide. The negative energies spiral around and down, and feed off each other. It is a descent into hell.
It reminded me of the period after I left the BKs when this experience was more frequent. That period of exiting is such a critical one, as has been recognised by the founders of this forum. I remember I kept a picture of Beachy Head with me for about two years. (That's a cliff people jump off when they are serious about suicide).
A "triggering event" can be almost anything when a shame-bound person is in a vulnerable stage. In my case, it was partly triggered by writing here. This is the tricky paradox to be negotiated. Owning one's truth, speaking it or writing it, meeting it, is ESSENTIAL. It is also the most difficult thing for a shame-bound person to do. After they speak out, they can feel flayed and unbearably exposed. This can trigger another occurrence of the shame spiral and confirm their belief that they are not supposed to be seen.
This is why I call it the existential shame spiral. A person's core of shame comes about through some invalidation of their being. Our right to exist has een denied in some fundamental way. We don't feel we have the right to take up space, to have feelings or needs.
Some months ago, Diwali asked, over on the Latino forum:
These are poignant questions. Others have asked similar questions about seeing and tolerating abuse within the BKs. And yet for a shame-bound person, it's an easy position to get into. I have explained elsewhere how I see the BK operating system as essentially shame-bound, and this easily co-opts the inner energy system of a shame based individual. One irony perhaps is that my experience of the shame spiral faded while I was with the BKs. Obviously, it was not cured, just covered up by the artificial BK identity. I don't know if the shame bind per se can be set up by the BKs, unless of course you were a child BK, but it is certainly a contributing factor to my being so "comfortable" there for so long.
Shame is a powerful control because it fosters the belief that you have no right to respond. Shamed people can be afraid of their own anger, unaware of their own anger, or feel that they have no right to be angry, that any mistreatment or abuse is deserved. They do not speak up for themselves because they do not see abuse as abuse. (This may be why I cannot find any anger toward the BKs - I still don't have the answer to that).
Another key feature of a deeply shamed individual is extreme self-doubt and indecisiveness. Their emotions have been so denied and invalidated thay they cannot trust themselves, nor can they empathise easily. This makes it easy to stand by silently as others are abused around you.
An ex-BK friend recently described our local center as "catastrophic". It was! There were three severe mental breakdowns while I was there; the center-in-charge thought she could cure a student's bipolar disorder - with disastrous results; I saw arguments that got physical; I saw kitchen sabotage in the fierce competitiveness to feed Seniors; most of the regular Western students had some trauma in their personal history; there was victimisation and persecution - all in the name of God!
At another local center, the center-in-charge Brother was an egomaniac and an extreme bully. He confessed to beating his wife before becoming a BK, and that violence and anger became viscious emotional and verbal abuse within the center. (Of course, he was another victim of existential shame acting out his escape from it).
I stood silently by for years, never seeing any of the madness as anything to be concerned about. After all, it was all if God's hands!
I know many people, BKs and ex-BKs, who are just like me. Maybe they will find their way here one day and begin their journey back to wholeness. The shame bind usually results from childhood trauma or abuse of some kind. If this resonates with anyone reading, I can highly recommend any therapy that specialises in the inner child. A lost childhood has to be found, felt, shared, and grieved in order to be released. Examining one's BK history is an integral part of that process.
Kaufman coined the term "shame spiral" and here is his definition of it:
A triggering event occurs. ... a person is suddenly enmeshed in shame, the eyes turn inward and the experience becomes totally internal, ... The shame feelings flow in a circle, endlessly triggering each other ... causing the sense of shame to deepen ... until finally the self is engulfed.
I prefer the term tornado to spiral. To me it feels as though a dark tornado is locked inside my body. It has no exit, and it co-opts the mind to hoover up any trivial thing from the outside, twist in into something negative, and feed it into the spiraling closed energy circuit inside. It is overwhelming, debilitating, self-perpetuating, and feels "true" when it is in full flow. I absolutely see how it can lead to suicide. The negative energies spiral around and down, and feed off each other. It is a descent into hell.
It reminded me of the period after I left the BKs when this experience was more frequent. That period of exiting is such a critical one, as has been recognised by the founders of this forum. I remember I kept a picture of Beachy Head with me for about two years. (That's a cliff people jump off when they are serious about suicide).
A "triggering event" can be almost anything when a shame-bound person is in a vulnerable stage. In my case, it was partly triggered by writing here. This is the tricky paradox to be negotiated. Owning one's truth, speaking it or writing it, meeting it, is ESSENTIAL. It is also the most difficult thing for a shame-bound person to do. After they speak out, they can feel flayed and unbearably exposed. This can trigger another occurrence of the shame spiral and confirm their belief that they are not supposed to be seen.
This is why I call it the existential shame spiral. A person's core of shame comes about through some invalidation of their being. Our right to exist has een denied in some fundamental way. We don't feel we have the right to take up space, to have feelings or needs.
Some months ago, Diwali asked, over on the Latino forum:
Diwali wrote:"How come I did not realize? How could I not have seen it? How could I have witnessed so much psychological mistreatment thinking it was bringing me closer to God? What kind of lack of self-respect and self-love led me to believe that it was doing good to me and humanity! "
These are poignant questions. Others have asked similar questions about seeing and tolerating abuse within the BKs. And yet for a shame-bound person, it's an easy position to get into. I have explained elsewhere how I see the BK operating system as essentially shame-bound, and this easily co-opts the inner energy system of a shame based individual. One irony perhaps is that my experience of the shame spiral faded while I was with the BKs. Obviously, it was not cured, just covered up by the artificial BK identity. I don't know if the shame bind per se can be set up by the BKs, unless of course you were a child BK, but it is certainly a contributing factor to my being so "comfortable" there for so long.
Shame is a powerful control because it fosters the belief that you have no right to respond. Shamed people can be afraid of their own anger, unaware of their own anger, or feel that they have no right to be angry, that any mistreatment or abuse is deserved. They do not speak up for themselves because they do not see abuse as abuse. (This may be why I cannot find any anger toward the BKs - I still don't have the answer to that).
Another key feature of a deeply shamed individual is extreme self-doubt and indecisiveness. Their emotions have been so denied and invalidated thay they cannot trust themselves, nor can they empathise easily. This makes it easy to stand by silently as others are abused around you.
An ex-BK friend recently described our local center as "catastrophic". It was! There were three severe mental breakdowns while I was there; the center-in-charge thought she could cure a student's bipolar disorder - with disastrous results; I saw arguments that got physical; I saw kitchen sabotage in the fierce competitiveness to feed Seniors; most of the regular Western students had some trauma in their personal history; there was victimisation and persecution - all in the name of God!
At another local center, the center-in-charge Brother was an egomaniac and an extreme bully. He confessed to beating his wife before becoming a BK, and that violence and anger became viscious emotional and verbal abuse within the center. (Of course, he was another victim of existential shame acting out his escape from it).
I stood silently by for years, never seeing any of the madness as anything to be concerned about. After all, it was all if God's hands!
I know many people, BKs and ex-BKs, who are just like me. Maybe they will find their way here one day and begin their journey back to wholeness. The shame bind usually results from childhood trauma or abuse of some kind. If this resonates with anyone reading, I can highly recommend any therapy that specialises in the inner child. A lost childhood has to be found, felt, shared, and grieved in order to be released. Examining one's BK history is an integral part of that process.