A SENSE OF DEEP LOSS XBKchat

for ex-BKs to discuss matters related to experiences in BKWSU & after leaving.
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Tete

A SENSE OF DEEP LOSS XBKchat

Post03 May 2006

A SENSE OF DEEP LOSS

I hadn’t realized how deep a loss I had about XBKchat ceasing to exist until I was reading past posts and realized I hadn’t read them all. Within I was feeling even though on the exterior I was simply avoiding those feeling until my dog came and placed his body over my legs as if to hug them. He is trained to work with the blind, disabled and offer comfort when they are sick. He sighed and whimpered as he was sad for me. As his trainer it is an odd role to have ones pupil do this and I could feel his body shake as he whimpered.

In the seven years I have had him he has never felt the need to place his body to touch me, in a comforting fashion to acknowledge my pain/sense of loss. It was then that I cried for the loss of all that I would not know. In many ways I thought I had read most but I hadn’t. I suppose it is the loss to many more that will need all the thoughts that are there that I too mourned as I consider many of the writing there a TREASURE.

So much was given by so many, sharing, trusting, giving and revealing personal parts of them selves in an effort to heal and begin a new.

I found XBKchat after Children of God member Ricky Rodriguez, who was considered to be "the prince”, ran into a bit of a problem in that he killed his former baby sitter and committed suicide. He was going to usher in the group to the end of times as their messiah so it had been told and believed. From an early age he had been treated as special, given baby sitters that were not appropriately attired and I am sure in their mind set they thought this was appropriate. He later left the group when coming to the awareness that he had been abused and causing a bit of a problem in that they had to do some creative re-writing of their tenets to adjust for the messiah being missing, more so after the tragic events I suspect.

I met his baby sitter while she was working at the Restoration Hardware store. I walked in with a friend to look around. I remember I told my friend that I didn’t want to stay too long and began walking to the exit. Then our eyes locked and Angela Smith quickly came around and started to tell me about the specials as my friend came by. I said thank you and began to walk out of the store with her in toe. I remember being on the side walk talking to her as she was pushing the sales and I continued to say I would be back. I had never experienced a sales person following me out of a store before.

My friend said she knew I was uncomfortable but wanted to see the sales and she noted how the sales lady homed in on me. I now know she probably recognized a cult member’s wife even if at the time I didn’t consider myself with such a title. Miss Smith had just started working as a sales lady at the store.

So, one morning I am reading the newspaper and I see this same lady on the front page and then read about the murder suicide. Ricky Rodriguez felt he had been molested by her and so he had killed her and then him self. As I read the paper it mentioned how many in cults felt isolated when they leave with no where to turn for help, no one that would understand them and with little resources available to them. I then read any paper available that covered the story not knowing what I was looking for exactly but feeling a need to do so.

Ricky felt he couldn’t tell/share with his wife as he now was 29 years old, with a child and still in constant pain. Finding a therapist that understands cults/former members can be a tricky proposition and one can very well find them selves going in circles if the therapist doesn’t have the appropriate training. From television interviews many former child (now adults) members following the tragic events said how they had banded together with him and at times tried to help one another (unsuccessfully lacking in guidance and resources). They had been sexually abused, mentally abused and they were trying to heal them selves as best they could. Many were left without an education, untrained and out on their own with no resources. They had also lost their families in the process once they left the cult.

The paper mentioned that the members that seemed more at risk were the children and those having entered when young. It mentioned there were few resources for such cult members and fewer for those having suffered sexual abuse as was the case with Ricky. I followed the links given on child abuse in cults and found XBKchat with Eromain’s thread which at the time I couldn’t access and so I joined in January 2005.

When I finally found the complete report on child abuse http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~eromain ... ection.htm
I found so much more than just the very important topic of child abuse. I had found some very important answers to my life as the wife of a former member of the Brahma Kumaris and so my process of healing began. I would often refer back to the report and read it time and time again. Each time I read the report I found new meaning as I had learned new words/tenets/beliefs with the help of many in XBKchat and the Admin whom I wrote to asking for a dictionary as I found I didn’t know any the BK/Hindi words. So, I was very grateful when they placed a dictionary there so I could continue my learning and bring healing to my family. I was probably a nuisance to some as once I asked what lol meant thinking it was some BK word not being a Chat person, rather reserved about my private life, but at XBKchat I felt safe and opened up.

In XBKchat I found many that were willing/able to help me with some rather delicate matters which they have kept in deep confidence and whom I will be eternally grateful to. I didn’t know at the time of joining XBKchat that there were many more obstacles/challenges I would face and that I would need advice/help from ones who had The Knowledge that would serve me well, offering guidance and kindness.

Some helped me by writing me long explanations about the tenets/beliefs and I relied on their help almost daily when I couldn’t figure some thing out. I even got up to the challenge one day and asked about the deity belief, which was very hard and yes an explanation was given. If you ask even a therapist they would be likely to think you were off your rocker for asking and in need of some serious help. None of these believes were written any where nor made available to the public. It is my hope that this will change.

The benefit I received far out ways any risk of partaking in such a process. It is well worth it in time, commitment and beneficial beyond what I can convey in words here. What I gained and preserved is what I value most in my life. I no longer hid under the blankets in fear (afraid some one would learn of my family members past and having to reconcile that along with all the stuff that gets carried forward once they leave…the undeclared baggage) and recall writing a member letting him know “I wasn’t afraid any more” (my way of saying thank you for all that you gave me in helping me to heal) and I was surprised that I was able to convey that very thought. The secrecy had lifted, the truth revealed and I was gaining my life back.

For so long I had been holding some thing together with very thing thread since 2004 and I was fully aware it could very well develop another rip. As I began my journey back I realized that many have hardships and that it is OK to reveal them. In February 4th 2006 a Jones Town survivor (she took several bullets and found the will to survive) mentioned how she hid under the blankets following the tragic death of her husband at a tribute dinner in her honor. I then realized it was OK, I was just going through a normal process. Today someone could choose to read it in a negative if they so choose or see the universal truth about being able to survive. The truth that it is a struggle (in the struggle we gain clarity) as Socrates states when we come out of the darkness of the cave into the light. Once out we won’t want to go back in having seen the light…...

I do not mention the Jones Town survivor by name as it was a painful experience for her and she only talks about it on the anniversary day and has publicly stated that she doesn’t want to write a book about the experience as it is too painful, out of respect to the victims and it is her right as an individual even if she is a public figure. People will share what they are comfortable in sharing and no more even if it is documented else where and beyond their control.

I also learned at XBKchat that reaching out to touch another is the very thing we need as a healing tool for ourselves. I had reached out to a friend and asked that he come to that very tribute dinner with me. To my surprise life is a circle, as he was mentioned as a person that was very important to her and she asked him to stand while she thanked him for being instrumental in her life and helping to develop a program that serves many.

So, it is in one hand reaching out to guide the other and the other willing to take the hand offered that we find universal truth, friendship and healing. From the tragedy of Ricky of the Children of God, to the Jones Town survivor and all the others that have felt the pain in coming in contact with the “Cult Experience/New Religious Movement”. The truth remains in that we need to reach out to one another in order to find the way out, offer respect and more importantly love to those still remaining in as they will need that love if they choose to come out. Forgiveness of hurts can be a healing process too and a truly loving process when we offer our open arms with unconditional love for them to take.

So, I share my story with you about what XBKchat meant to me on a personal intimate way and how I found my self in a shared experience with others who welcomed me even if I wasn’t an official former member, but they understood that I, my child, and extended family had suffered too. It was this universal fellowship that instilled my willingness to share openly and I began to regain control of my life again.

So, Admin I do thank you for having the wisdom to see the need, for your time, discretion, for having to care for so many souls (not an easy task) and most importantly for offering love through this great service you provided to so many.

It is the spiral affect of dropping a stone into the water with love that allows it to continue beyond it's point or origin and touch many more....

Tete

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