16 Jan 2008
Very, very worthy question, and I can only answer from a personal point of view.
Hi everyone, I am still around, still think of you all, and still check in everyday to see what you are all up to and mentally send my love to you all. I don't forget my friends. The kids and I are doing really well now. Life is hard, work is continual (back to night shift nursing, the full time business and the 3 kids) and financially is beyond difficult. But we are doing really well and are still managing to stay in our home and are happy.
My stance is the damage is irreparable. But remember I am only one person, with my own views and my own personal story. It doesn't apply to everyone. Without trust there is no relationship. When trust and commitment has been abused as severely as it can be, there is no possibility of a relationship. It is not a matter of forgiving someone, but more a matter of the process one has to go through to survive the experience and then what it takes to pick up the shattered pieces and get on with one's life alone, and pave a new life. I suppose it would depend on how much history is there and to what degree the devastating manner in which the relationships were severed.
I think in this day and age, in the Western world, we tend to move on with our lives. It doesn't mean with have no feeling or care for the other person as a human being, but being prepared to once again sacrifice and take the risk of returning to the place that our partners lead us into via their association with the BK org is not one most of us would be prepared to take the risk of returning too.
My personal opinion and experience says that if a person has regrets or second thoughts about their decisions and actions, they still have to wear the consequences of them.
It is inescapable. To be sure, many are under undue influence and hypnotic and probably psychic control, but the bottom line is that they still allowed themselves to be drawn into that path instead of being responsible for what they do and what they are getting into, and it will eventually catch up. The big, and I mean major issue is that the issues or reasons that they got so involved in this movement and allowed it to destroy their families is still going to be there, unresolved, plus all the added issues they have to deal with on exiting from a cult. The pre-BK major problems are still there and not dealt with, so nothing is fixed and how can a relationship possibly work?
If it was my child, then I would probably have a different view. If it was a parent of mine, my view would probably be different. As it was my life partner, he made a decision to make the BK his life partner and forsake his family. A bridge not easily mended, if ever. In my case, never. I have moved on, and forward and the price I paid for his choices will never be repeated in my life. Over 12 months ago my hell started, and I am finally getting back to heaven, peace, laughter, security and love in my home - without a partner. Just my children and I.
I have found a special friend who luckily respects my situation and my recent experiences and who is prepared to respect a long 'getting to know you period'. There is no comparison to the respect and love, and way I am treated and cared for now, and the hatred my little family received at the hands of a 'pure BK' following his guidance from an Indian centre head.(There is no other way to describe what was done to the children and I)
So would I consider letting him back or being a friend? NEVER! He has proven himself to be untrustworthy and deceitful. Maybe if I was a needy person, who had such little self esteem I would accept anything to feel that someone might care about me, but I am not, and not desperate. It would be like a battered wife returning time and time again to her abusive husband knowing nothing would ever really change, but too scared to leave. Not me. It is not until you are fully removed from a BK situation that you can really clearly see it for what it is, and once you do, you will not consider returning to it, or any remanent of it.
So from the other side's (lokik) view on how to repair it?
Address your real issues and the fundamental problems that lead you into the cult. Be humble for a change and face those you wronged, knowing full well you probably will have the door slammed in your face. It will mean a lot more than you can ever realise that you had the courage to try to make amends.
Be prepared to accept that you maynot be able to have what you had before, but because of your experiences you can so cherish what you do have and what relationships you will have in the future ... only if you address and get help with the original problems and all the new ones you have since acquired.
Be prepared that you will more than likely have to make a new life with new people (well adjusted 'normal' types are helpful and healthy). Be honest with youself and with others about your actions and the effects ... but do not beat yourself up about it.
Most importantly....
Love yourself and be kind to yourself. Do what you can to rediscover who you are and find out what a beautiful person you are, cause you really are. no one else can love you if you do not love yourself. If your family watches from a distance (and they will, trust me on that one) and you show yourself to be responsible and taking positive steps to address your own personal problems they will warm to you and be far more likely to forgive. It gives hope to them.
The best thing you can do is get in contact with them, and show them how you are fixing your life up and what you are doing to become a 'whole' person again. Don't be clingy or needy, that will make them run a mile. Give them time to adjust to you being 'you' again.
Yes Ex-i, your humour has truth, BUT, depending on the depth of the hurt, you cannot forget, you can forgive maybe, but never forget.
Really sorry this post is so long ... but, hey ... its me, what can i say?