Everything you've ever wanted to know about Sex and the Brahma Kumaris but have been afraid to ask ...
Of course, we've come to discover that there is a whole lot more sex going on in the Brahma Kumaris than I ever believed, at least in some Western centers; and the BKWSU, again in the West, appears to have become a lot more accepting of individuals going in and out ... taking what used to be called euphemistically a "little holiday" ... but still coming back to the center to give their free labor, buy their products, and support their business ventures.
In the old days, and I suspect for most of India even still, that would have been unthinkable because their money and actions were now "impure" and it was entirely against Shrimat and the Maryadas which said not to accept anything from impure (non-BK, sexually active) people. I've even read the BKs portray this "flexibility" as a virtue ... again unthinkable in the old "sword of lust" days.
Recent conversations elsewhere on the forum have led me to consider the topic of 'Sex after the Brahma Kumaris' and jot down some of my own thoughts and experience on the subject.
Now, I probably belong to the school of thought that believes "falling in love" is great drug ... and 80% a chemically induced drug effect that, along with alcohol, nature has designed to ensure the survival of human DNA. Therefore, please excuse any cynicism and some explicit description. I will, however, leave a generous 20% in my calculations for a non-physical component immeasurable to science in order to explain any genuine person to person connection.
In no particular order ... if you care to join me and add your own reflections, to make this a group experience, please add your thoughts below. I am happy to be corrected and to be pointed out where I have been missing things. Some of this is sexist and some of it is on a par with what you might read in women's magazines:
I started by thinking it might be a good idea because both parties would understand where the other one was coming from and have similar affinities; but I've ended up thinking it is a bad idea because,
Of course, we've come to discover that there is a whole lot more sex going on in the Brahma Kumaris than I ever believed, at least in some Western centers; and the BKWSU, again in the West, appears to have become a lot more accepting of individuals going in and out ... taking what used to be called euphemistically a "little holiday" ... but still coming back to the center to give their free labor, buy their products, and support their business ventures.
In the old days, and I suspect for most of India even still, that would have been unthinkable because their money and actions were now "impure" and it was entirely against Shrimat and the Maryadas which said not to accept anything from impure (non-BK, sexually active) people. I've even read the BKs portray this "flexibility" as a virtue ... again unthinkable in the old "sword of lust" days.
Recent conversations elsewhere on the forum have led me to consider the topic of 'Sex after the Brahma Kumaris' and jot down some of my own thoughts and experience on the subject.
Now, I probably belong to the school of thought that believes "falling in love" is great drug ... and 80% a chemically induced drug effect that, along with alcohol, nature has designed to ensure the survival of human DNA. Therefore, please excuse any cynicism and some explicit description. I will, however, leave a generous 20% in my calculations for a non-physical component immeasurable to science in order to explain any genuine person to person connection.
In no particular order ... if you care to join me and add your own reflections, to make this a group experience, please add your thoughts below. I am happy to be corrected and to be pointed out where I have been missing things. Some of this is sexist and some of it is on a par with what you might read in women's magazines:
- First of all ... 'Busting the Big Brahma Kumari Myths'
- a) Most people do *not* leave the BKWSU because they are "weak", "full of lust", craving "impurity" or unable to follow the principles any more. They leave because of the crap they see and experience, and because they never really believed and the illusion wears off when the love bombing runs out. They don't even necessarily jump straight into relationships afterwards.
b) All men are not rapists or "lusty dogs".
c) Women have just as strong or stronger sexual urges and are capable of more and better orgasms than men.
d) The world does not end, terrible things do not happen to you, you do not go insane and you have to be very unlucky to catch a disease if you make love or have sex with someone else. It's easy to avoid the latter.
e) The BKs are hiding not only events relating to Lekhraj Kirpalani, but also Om Radhe.
- a) After a prolonged period of no sex or celibacy, sexual urges do appear to atrophy and many of the acts which make sex pleasurable appear to be really weird or strange things to do. This applies as much to celibacy in the BKs as celibacy outside of the BKs
b) It helps if you are in love to do them. Love is a kind of drug that makes you do crazy things, turns you into a better person and makes the world look far nice. (But be warned love does not wear off as quickly as alcohol etc but it probably will in time and can cause pregnancy ... a 21 year long 'hangover' if you have a kid).
c) A surprising number of non-BKs are also celibate.
d) Most individuals and couples go through celibate phases and they are a good thing.
e) Having celibate phases are a good thing, especially after relationships, to clear one head and emotions and help avoiding carrying one's psychological baggage into the next relationships.
f) As a BK male practising detachment you've probably no idea how normal women think now, and so try reading women's magazine, watching 'chick flick' movies etc and talking to them as friends to get up to speed again.
g) Again for ex-BK men, "there are only two ways in which women think, and no one knows what they are".
h) Be careful not to appear too weird or creepy ... you probably are. This might require you to be honest about what you have been through and talking to someone.
i) The first time you have just to do it regardless of what conflicts it brings up. It may not bring up again. You'll probably be a little dazed immediately afterwards but very shortly you will wonder why it was made out to be such a big thing.
j) Other people will probably notice positive changes in you afterwards as you are likely to become more grounded.
k) Especially if you never had sex or you've not been having sex for a long time, pornography is very bad idea for very many reasons so don't. I am happy to discuss why I think so if anyone wants. However, I did once read some Brahma Kumari pornography (an erotic story based on a sex fantasy of having sex with a Brahma Kumari and it was quite funny. I suppose in India it is equivalent to have nun fantasies ... a little weird but "whatever rocks your boat" as they say). Love and sex are also not usually like it is "in the movies". Renounce fakeness and unreal expectations and start by experience the reality of wherever it is you are now.
l) Beware of sex addicts or people who just want to have sex with their fantasies rather than you.
- a) Sex is a very much like dancing, anyone can kind of do it, but to do it well with a partner takes practise ... and not all people have a good sense of rhythm. Your first experiences after leaving are likely to be a bit awkward because you are out of practise but keep trying. It's in your DNA and it will all come back. Perhaps even within minutes.
b) Don't expect it, or sex with a new partner, to be great to begin with. You need to put in some work and practise it.
c) Don't practise on your own too much. It spoils the incentive to find someone else to do it with.
d) For men, generally most need to practise control and not having an orgasm; for women, most need to practise having an orgasm, and for women a lot of that appears to be mental. Don't just expect it just to happen, learn how to allow it to happen and show or tell your partner how to do it with you.
e) Sex is not dirty but dirty sex can be very pleasurable.
f) Funny sex, and sex with a good friend, is also good. Not all sex needs to be the big thing.
g) The best looking people are not always the best lovers. Indeed, sometimes the complete opposite is true, i.e. "homely" or quite ordinary looking people can be surprising good and passionate lovers and have secretly passionate lives. There's no real way to know until you try.
h) Being skinny does not make people better lovers, but being reasonable fit and active does help, e.g. flexibility and stamina.
i) Not all people are "good", some people are "bad" and messed up, and will mess you up, e.g. be unfaithful etc. If it ever happens to you, I'd recommend cutting and running asap however difficult it is. Don't fool yourself they will change. As an ex-BK you will probably be naive to human nature and likely to be taken from a ride in more ways than one.
j) It should usually take longer than 2 minutes (but quickies can be fun too). If the man always lasts for 2 minutes or less, you are being shortchanged.
k) It is tiring and resource consuming.
l) Generally, in order, vegans, vegetarians and then very light meat eaters smell and taste much better; especially their breath. Relationships between veg*ns and meat eaters are asking for problems.
m) You can have peak experiences where you lose all sense of self etc but not often or always.
n) There is no right or best way to do it and it is worth reading up some literature on all of the many different ways in which to set the scene and do it if you have been out of the swing as a BK forever, or for a while. Be honest about what you prefer.
o) Many men have less of a sex drive than women, especially as they get older. For those of a philosophical bent, Voltaire made a good case for taking an older women as a lover. On one hand they are more patient, experience, know themselves better and are at more ease with their bodies; on the other they will be more grateful for the attention. Some young women can be very self-possessed and insecure. (If that sounds sexist, blame Voltaire not me).
p) There is someone out there that will sleep with you.
q) Sleeping with someone can be very comforting and healthy.
r) Don't listen to what society or marketing men, or especially some religious bigot who has never had good sex, tells you about sex. Find your own way from your own direct experience.
s) It's better to have sex with someone you can than spend your life not having sex with someone you cannot ... be realistic.
t) Anyone that spins you a line about having a relationship or unfinished karma with them from a past life etc is probably just trying to get into your pants. Unfortunately, if it is true, it's probably just as true that they i) dumped you, ii) were unfaithful, iii) tried to kill you in a past life as well.
u) Sex is a good way to get to know someone at a deeper level, people are not always what they project themselves to be until they managed to have sex with you and relax their guard (this can be for good or for bad!).
v) Some people will just use you as a masturbatory device if they can. They are heartless people. Ditto someone people will just have sex with you for what you can give them; men and women. For some, sex is a tool of extraction and entrapment.
w, x, y, z ... someone else fill in some details, please, I need a rest now.
Oh, ... and you don't have to have sex to have a fulfilled and fulfilling life.
I started by thinking it might be a good idea because both parties would understand where the other one was coming from and have similar affinities; but I've ended up thinking it is a bad idea because,
- a) It means some kind of crazy indebtedness or involvement of the BKWSU which you won't be able to forget, and
b) There is a risk the other party's resolve to stay out of the BKWSU is not as strong as yours and they might go back. Ethically, I don't not think it is a good idea; one should show respect and when in Rome do as the Romans do. If you don't want to do what the Romans do, go someone where else to do it and respect those who do.
The guys that hung around the Brahma Kumaris looking for love were always a bit creepy.